Wednesday, September 21, 2011

In Pursuit of Happiness


I snuff into the plastic tin. The whiff reminds me of the drudgery of this life. This street life: cold and harsh. Under this bridge again, this stifling cold. The cars overhead bring me back to Donholm. I stare at my big toe, sore after knocking out its nail as I ran away from the police yesterday. The other four are still inside the mud smeared boot although the stitches on this pair will let go any minute as the hem is fast rotting away. My grey leathery skin is cracked and has not seen water or oil for a while now and these lice in my pants are not making the situation any better. The stench emanating from Karanja next to me is appalling. I’ve warned him against going into the garbage pit. I can somehow understand, he’s a newbie unlike us who the street can attest of our decade relationship combing the bins and holes of anything and everything that can either be eaten, sold or both.
My thick rugged palms have felt different places: people’s faces, their necks, their bags, their ‘secured’ pockets, window panes, car locks and today that bank. Just this once and this misery that others called life will be history. The more that I thought about it the more I went ahead with the idea. I had nothing to lose. I didn’t have a dream to live for.
It had been agreed that at three O’clock when the bank closes for business, we were to be strategically placed around the vicinity of the bank. This is because at this time, a blue van always came for cash to be transported to the Central Bank through the back door of the building. 2.56pm and the gun in my palm was itching to be put to use or was it that money was coming my way? I had a few minutes to find out. I peeped and saw everyone had taken their positions, Jay the lead guy was walking towards the bank as if to do some last minute banking but swerved and walk to the alley leading to the back door. As if on cue, Ninja appeared in his smart grey jeans, well pressed shirt and bent to tie his shoe lace as planned. In no time, he followed Jay in the alley. Of us all Jay and Ninja were the ‘clean’ guys who passed for business fellows but beneath this façade they were street Urchins alright and when provoked rubbed this point in a not so friendly way. 
In this mission, I was to point my rifle (how I got it is a story for another day) to the officers head. In a few second I joined Ninja and Jay at the back and they were halfway with the task as there were fewer guards at that time. I pulled my mask over my head to hide my identity but the tight boots somehow gave me a funny limp. I pushed the sweaty policeman to the floor and tied his rather tiny hands on his back as I hit him with the butt of the gun to frighten him. I was not afraid of pulling the trigger if I had to.
I saw the money in the brown sacks and for a moment, I was euphoric. This is it! Misery and I are no longer bed fellows. This street life, the dirty bridge, the lice, the cold and the cunning City Council Askaris will be my past life. Oh, how I would wish to see my mother’s face right now and prove her wrong. Wrong that I would actually ‘make it’ in life and that her curses were vain.
“Bang!”
“BANG!”
My reverie was jerked and back to reality. Ninjas head was half open with a jelly like substance slipping out. Unknown to me in the confusion I had shot at the banker, Jays hand and to Ninjas foot. Blood spattered everywhere and a crowd was now forming with armed policemen rushing to the scene…I panicked and dropped the gun and it went of firing at those present. A bullet went through one of the sacks with coins sending them flying all over.
I saw my escape route but it was too late for me to run. A sharp pain cut across my ribs and yet another on my thigh, my ankle and another on my cheekbone. I maintained balance but felt like an ants legs supporting the body of an elephant. It was all too fuzzy and felt as if it was raining only that this time it rained red.
I woke up to the smell of spirit and some funny chemicals chocked the air. My eyes were heavy, throat dry and limp. The white ceiling and the metal rods with hanging tubes confused me. Where was I? I tried to speak but my tongue was heavy and my ears had a buzzing sound. I lifted my right hand but it was cuffed to the bed. 
A middle aged woman dressed in blue came to my room and looked at me, at a calendar then rushed out. In a moment, a built man with a black cap walked in accompanied with two other young lads, a bespectacled man in a white coat, the woman walked in. Their lips moved but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. This got the built man frustrated and he moved closer to me and slowly articulated something about my legs and gesticulated something about my other hand.
I could not quite understand what he was saying but then the audience present kept looking at the lower side of the bed, towards my feet. I lifted my head in time as the woman in blue lifted the white starched bed covers.
I couldn’t feel my legs let alone seeing them!
I had massive bandages wound up at both knees with the rest of my feet missing! My legs had been amputated. I sought answers in the faces that stared at me in pity and as I turned to my left, I saw my wrist less arm! Oh my God…what has happened to me? I groaned, shouted and heaved in disbelief. Hot tears forced themselves down my rigid cheeks. I choked in pain, distress and agony .My right ear was damaged and lost its hearing and my stomach twitched in pain.
They all stared and spoke at once. I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I slowly slipped off and darkness covered me. I hope to sleep through this night mare and wake up under the bridge, under Donholm Bridge. How I missed the cold, the jumping on top of garbage lorries for a ride…how I missed it all…
I was startled by my mother’s voice on that fateful day that a bus ran her over along Jogoo road.
“You good for nothing boy, useless braggart, silly pile of flesh” she bellowed and belched emitting the fumes from the cheap liquor she had consumed at the dingy den called “Tufurahi pamoja”. The once shiny silver silk dress hanged precariously on her bony shoulders as the oversized green pumps swayed in the opposite direction as she walked. A former street child herself said, my birth was giving back to the Streets what it had given her.
I woke up from the coma three days ago and I sit on this stiff bed that has held my amputated body for over 90 days, I keep having flash backs of that day behind the bank, my mother’s frail body in the casket at the cemetery and my lost wasted life. I had everything to lose and nothing to gain. The court sentence was just icing on the cake in comparison to the turn my life had taken. A good for nothing 21 year old, whom even death, would not want to reap, not just yet.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Apart

I remember our parting
How you called my name
How I turned and looked at you standing there
Holding the umbrella
Eunice
Eunice
Talk to me

Talk to you?
About what?
I felt like shouting back at you
But I cant, I wouldn’t let myself even if I wanted.

What’s with the distance between us?
It is widening sweetie
It is big, deep and treacherous
I know am pushy and I want things to go my way
I know I asked you to come along with me
You know why?
Coz of the distance that’s drifting us apart
I wanted to have some time with you even for a moment
To hear your voice
To see your face
To bring us back to our one part
I wanted you to myself
But
But
I didn’t know how to say it
Or if I did, I said it wrongly

I just watched you walk away again today
Clutching at the umbrella
Rainy days ahead
As we walked away
We glide further apart
I walk south
You are on North.


Don't Talk to me

Don’t talk to me
Not just yet
Let my anger capsize and don’t apologize either
Let me first think of the joy we had
The bright days of hope, of commitment
Of resounding laughter
Stay away from me
Not because I hate you
No, on the contrary
I love you

Your love is poison to my veins
It’s made me useless without you
It’s made me limp
Again, I don’t hate you
I love you so
Let me cool, let be spoon over this

Let me think of you
Let me
Let me
Let me be
I said
Don’t talk to me
Not just yet.

One too many

Why can’t I laugh?
Why should I carry this burden in my heart?
Honestly, I dread happiness because I know; sadness and anger are on the same vein.
The frowns have quickly displaced the smiles, the laughter the joy we had.

It smells purple, unripe, unfulfilled not complete.
I love us, I hate us.
Will we withstand it all till the hour down the aisle?
Is this one of the many heartbreaks?
The one too many?

Should I hope for this?
Should I believe in this?
Should I sacrifice for this?
I am taking you for granted?
You are taking me for granted.

Am I right for you?
Maybe am one of the many mistakes in your life
The one too many hiccups of your neat self.
I look at you and I wonder to myself, am I worth this?

Honestly, I am tired of
The fake smiles
Uncertain hope
Bitter optimism
Fuzzy future
I just was to tack myself in bed, cry myself back to sense
And hope this is among the one too many lessons in this class called life.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Of the word Trust...

Trust : a five lettered word with a thousand meaning.

Buildings have gone up and come down with the mere mention of it.

Promises have gone sour and stale with the lack of it.

Day in day out we search for it.

Is trust really worth all this? That a one in a million chance you decide to do without it, the past fades and the present glares at you...without much as a second chance.

Trust the five lettered word, that Kings and Paupers dream of, wish for and await for.

Trust that the love will never fade.

Trust that you will ind a way out of the maze.

Trust that it will all work out and get some rest.

Trust that you will get what you deserve amongst the 'untrusted'.

I stare, I wonder,what is the absence of trust? The opposite of trust?Would the world rotate without it?

Do we have trust?do we trust ourselves?others?others to lay our lives and welll being on?

Trust : five letters with a thousand meanings. Depends on which one you opt for.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The little Black Dress

She scrubbed her body clean. Today was the day. She could not wait any more. They had planned for it since the beginning of the holiday.

She opened her rusted blue metal box which housed all her precious clothes. The box squealed open and revealed a neat arrangement of clothes and ornaments on one row while scarves and handkerchiefs on another. The first cloth was a Kitenge her aunt brought her from Ghana. It was a colourful piece that she reserved for cultural events. She perused to the cloth underneath the Kitenge kaftan exposing her faded, worn out skinny jeans. The mitumba hawker on a certain night had sold it to her; only to reach home to discover that it was not as black as she was made to believe. She removed it from the pile and placed it on her wooden rickety bed. Her blue satin dress flashed back at her. She had worn the dress to her elder sister’s wedding. It brought back memories and especially of the food she ate on that day and how she had to unzip the dress for the entire reception ceremony. She pulled it out and dug deeper into the case.

Her cloth search went on for a while.

‘Big’
‘Bright’
‘Torn sleeve’
‘Too creased’

Her phone alarm went off. Eleven o’clock. Her date was due in two hours. Yet she had not identified what to wear. Her room was a mess. She had heaps and heaps of clothes yet nothing to wear. The beads of sweat on her face a clear indication of her struggle. Her hair was still covered in the torn brown stockings. She had planned to have her hair curled so she had it in rollers that were tightly tacked underneath the stockings. She sat on the mound of clothes on the floor and held her face between her sweaty palms and sighed.

She scanned her room. Disappointed and fidgeting wondering what to do next. Time was moving fast. She stood up and walked around her cube peeping besides her bed and settee with the hope that maybe she might get something to wear. While bent peeking, a luminous orange price tag caught her attention.

Bingo!

This was it. This could mean the beginning of the end of her cloth predicament. The little black dress was most suited for this occasion! There was a catch however; it was her younger sister’s dress. She had tried it on three months ago when it was bought. She surreptitiously tiptoed into the next room. Got in and checked behind the door. There it was. She knew she had to be quick lest she was caught by her nosy cousins who were visiting. Her sister had left for a youth camp to the Coast.

The taps were turned on again. She had a quick shower to freshen up. Few minutes later, she was dry and began to apply Vaseline on her caramel brown even skin and smeared powder on her face almost simultaneously. She had an hour to go. She softly highlighted her top eye lids with a golden-brown liner. The lower ones with a black liner, dragging the eye shape upwards to give them the shape of a tiger’s. Her eyelashes were topped with thick black mascara that gave them an enticing curly look. Her billion-dollar smile revealed milk-white teeth with a dental formula to die for. The deodorant was next, followed by perfume that she skillfully fished from her metal box. She sprayed jets of the fragrance on either sides of her neck, just above the collar bone, her armpit and just above her thighs. Satisfied with the sharp flowery aroma emanating from within, she got hold of the dress.

A smile cut across her face as she imagined how Ray would be impressed by her sophistication. She tried the dress on, her heart racing. She prayed that it would fit well. Sure enough it fit her in all the right places. Her curves were pronounced and her brown tender legs and arms beautifully contrasted with the little black dress. The full mirror on the wall confirmed what she felt on her body. She looked lovely.

One thing was a miss though; her hair was yet to be sorted out. She yanked out the stocking from her head. The rollers hanged loose and haphazardly, it gave the impression of a worn out broom. Forty minutes left. Swiftly but carefully the rollers came sprawling on the floor. The curls on her head were bouncy and shiny. Her springy golden brown soft Caucasian hair had not thwarted her immense efforts in light of the date ahead. She ran a jelly comb over the curls on her smooth forehead, untangling some few locks trying to style her hair. She was almost through when she remembered her lucky charm, the pearl white scarf, and tied it around her neck in a sideways bow. Ray had got it for her before her final exam in High school.

She picked the black doll shoes to march with her outfit. Stunning was an understatement. She was sparkling, elated and smelt like she had bath in scented water. She paced out of the house and luckily got a matatu. The conductor was more than glad to have her take his seat. Her aroma diffused greedily into the matatu such that it was competing with the sweat reek in the vehicle.

She was to hook up with Ray outside the Hilton Hotel. As the matatu neared town her heart went fanatic. She was overwhelmed. She had last seen Ray when campus was closing for the Christmas holiday. Her anxiety was over the top. She was too engrossed in nervousness that she did not hear her phone beep notifying her of a new message. Her stop came and she alighted cautiously lest she tears the dress. She had a big infectious smile as she briskly walked towards Hilton Hotel. She wanted to check the time but then she realized that she had left her wrist watch on the bed. Unperturbed, she reached for her phone in the sequined black purse. It was then that she saw the new message, besides she was fifteen minutes early.
The message was from Ray. She smiled some more. She began reading the message but then her smile slowly curved. She had a half Monalisa smile. Gradually, it faded and formed traces of frowns all over her face. Her eyes glistened. She reread the text:


My love Natasha,
Hope you are okay,
I don’t know how best to say this but I can’t come today.
I’m really held up at home. Sorry for the inconvenience sweet pie.
I will call you.
Yours,
Ray.


She took a deep breath, turned back and walked as if she had been chained on the ankles and knees. She made her way through the sea of people along Kencom who to her surprise were all in a certain rush. It was then that the shadowy cloud across the skies caught her eye. It began to pour, heavily. She clenched her teeth in fury and disenchantment as her hair and the little black dress drenched in the afternoon spell of rain.

Saved by a Bullet.

After my three hour detention I was pissed and tired. The scramble for matatus and the hiked fares worsened my foul mood. Luckily I got a matatu and let an old woman probably in her mid fifties enter before me. We sat behind the driver. The matatu took off but five minutes later we were in a snail moving jam. The music playing was not too loud just what I needed.

The matatu however on reaching the Muthaiga Primary School roundabout swerved from the road into a murram one.

“Which route is this?” I asked after knocking my head with the Matatu rail and the woman next to me.

“It is a short cut”, the conductor spoke in a queer tone. After a five minutes speedy drive, the matatu came to a sudden halt.

“Where is this place? Why are we here?” A voice echoed from the back.

“EVERYBODY OUT!!”

A man with bloodshot eyes, a big skull and an equally large mouth barked. His thin figure suggested malnutrition and I figured given the opportunity I would put him down. This silly thought was shattered the moment he took out a shot gun to reinforce his words. Turns out the genuine commuters were seven.
Good Lord, this is officially my worst day. Other thugs emerged from the bush armed with slashes and guns.

“What are all those for?” a man asked after seeing the weapons.

“Empty your pockets and you old man, all that you withdrew from the M-PESA” a short skinny bow legged man fumbled as he snatched my bag.

The conductor came towards me. He frisked my jeans, intentionally pinching my butt and hips. He fished out my phone. We had to undress too. We shivered and forced to lie down on the uneven rocks which escalated the cold. The old woman next to me refused to release her purse.

“No…I will not give out my pouch! Woi! Woi!” She
screamed. Her screams faded away by slaps from four guys. On the other
hand our clothes were packed in a sack. In the middle of God knows
where, naked. The sight was an eyesore. The old woman twitched from the
beating. Her khanga was torn exposing her brown thighs now speckled by
purple and black bruises. She moaned.

The conductor looked at me and winked. I sensed a sinister motive in his glare on me. Then, he slowly walked towards me and grabbed me by the hair. He gripped harder as he pulled me away.

“NO! DONT TOUCH ME!!!!” I screamed, kicking and pushing the conductor aside. He smiled back despite my pleas that he stopped. His cold hands tore my pants while a gun was pointed to my chest.

“THIS IS MY MOTHERS ID, WHERE DID YOU GET THIS??”A tough and stone faced man bellowed in shock. Apparently, he was the leader.

“Relax, it’s that old woman” the driver responded unmoved.
The leader, RK, rushed towards the now unconscious woman.
“Turn on the matatu, we need to take her to hospital” he said as he searched for a pulse.
“Peter!”
The conductor who by now had frayed my bra looked up after seconds of
hesitation and retorted.

“WHAT?”

“IT IS MY MOTHER, PLEASE…” RK pleaded lifting his mother as he headed to the vehicle.
“Seems you forgotten the Mawingu code man-NO MERCY, NO FAMILY” he sarcastically retorted angrily as he pinned me further on the ground.

Infuriated RK took out his gun.

BANG!!

*end*

Monday, January 31, 2011

Sweat and Tears

Sweat and tears
All have near
Sweat to learn
Sweat to earn
Sweat for fun
Sweat and churn
Sweat and sweat
Press and wait
Wait and waste
In sweat and tears.

Sweat and tears
All have near
Tears from hurt
Tears from fights
Night to night
Drown in fright
Tears of fear
Tears from jeer
Tear and tear
Sweat and tears
In piles and tiers
Near and nears.