I almost cheated

Sometimes things that you initially thought to be harmless gradually loose the 'less' bit and pick up 'ful' i.e. harmful be it flirting, indulging in a habit, being pessimistic and the many battles we have.

I almost cheated

I cheated.

Almost cheated actually,

Wonder what difference it makes.

I started a fire

I fanned it

I added coal to it

Paraffin as well

More dry wood to it

It blazed

It burnt

Furiously

Fervently

It scorched

It grew

Hungrily

Effortlessly

Then

It almost got out of hand

Burning me in the process

On my face

My hands

My skin

My clothes smell of the smoke

I am scalded now

Minor burns

But still burns nonetheless

I will heal

Heal from the almost accident

The almost fire

That I lite

Fanned

Tried to conceal

I smell of the fire

The fire that

Almost burned me

ALMOST!

That makes all the difference.

Almost!

The Stranger that I knew

His eyes disarms you the moment he sets them on you

Rekindling a fire that you never knew

His look makes you fall under his spell

Spell bound in this fantasy world well

His smile and relaxed look

Holds you in a hook you can’t unhook

Where he is the king,

 And I his subject

You exchange contacts and what lingers about him is

That smile, that greeting, that compliment

As you blush yourself silly

As you sweat your brow wet

As words escape your lips

As your legs fidget as he speaks to you

He is the stranger that I knew

But felt strange then because I knew

We can only be the strangers

Across the room

Across the bus

Across the halls

The stranger and I knew

That’s the furthest it could get

Oh, were we wrong

One word led to another

Sentences

Paragraphs

A call

A laugh

And the stranger is no more

We travel to new strange lands

I lead he follows,

He leads I follow

We walk

We trod on

One step

Two

Three

Ten

Fifteen

It gets murkier and bushy as we go on

I don’t understand my path

I get lost in the trail

I stop

Abruptly

The stranger is estranged

The stranger I knew

Is shocked

Why have you stopped?

We are not there yet

You knew the path as we embarked on it

Why now?

After all the…

And the…

The stranger that I knew

Walked away

As swiftly as he came

As I walked

Hoping to find my way back

To the one

Who I am not a stranger to

To Dream or Not to Dream

Poet Rainer Rilke said, “If when you wake up in the morning you can think of nothing but writing then you’re a writer.” I believe that goes for any career. As for me, I wake up thinking about Political science, writing and public speaking. I dream about one day filling the shoes of the great speakers like Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi and my very own lecturer, Professor Wanjiku Kabira. But every night, before I fall asleep, I think about how irrational I am, how risky it would be to follow a dream like that. No one has said what those thoughts mean for the future.

During my high school days back in 2003(I know am old), I was an avid reader of Mutahi Ngunyi’s works in the Sunday Nation. I would practically read anything he wrote and would not miss any of his commentaries in news. At that time, becoming a writer to reckon with was an insignificant thought drifting in the back of my mind, not one that I had reflected on yet. By the end of 2010 however, I was completely won and the prospect of becoming a political analyst/writer grew in me. Fueled by inspiration, I began my university investigation.

There were a few things I learned from my research. University of Michigan, although labeled as the best in its category, was not the best for me. It was too far away from home (another continent altogether) and tuition alone was triple what I could (not) afford. Closer home the University of Nairobi offered Bachelor of Arts which had Political Science as well as Maseno University. Unfortunately, I also found that the field is very competitive and the chance of acquiring a job is shaky, to say the least.

Doubt slowly began to creep in about following such a big dream, and I knew it was vital that I also look into more practical careers: ones that would ensure job security, be close to home and keep total education costs low. I thought about pursuing medicine but the JAB cut off points were way up for my 76 points. I thought about Law, Urban and Regional planning (thought it had some sense of job security) or becoming an architect and majoring in Engineering Technologies. The list could go on and on. But there was always a part of me that knew my heart had been captured by the pure magic of breathing life into paper and bringing stories through words.

So began my quest for the perfect university (at least I knew in time to review my degree choices). To start off, I had to set some guidelines. I asked myself the same three major questions as I had before about job security, location and cost. The process was much like solving a big puzzle where all the pieces came from different manufacturers, because you won’t find them all in one perfectly packaged box. The most important aspects that I wanted out of college were the pieces, and it was up to me, and me alone, to fit them together.

I also had to dig deep and find what it is that I truly want to do, whether it’s to be a writer cum political analyst, a scholar, or a lawyer. Honestly, the terrifying part is that the possibilities are endless. However, to quote Walt Disney, “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” I just had to choose my dream, which I can proudly say was pursuing Political Science, Literature and Communication under Bachelor of Arts. 

I dared to Dream...and BIG at that...your turn! 

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.

The Battle that I won...still winning...

My battle with Low-Self Esteem

Growing up, I was teased about my looks. You see, I have a slightly longer lower lip. I did not know about it. Found out when I was ten years old as I looked at myself in the mirror. Otherwise, I did not know about it. Children my age would make funny faces such as pulling their lower lip when they meet me. During the weekends my mum would apply lipstick to my younger sister and I. This however offended me; so much that I always rubbed it off. I opted to look plain lest the lip becomes conspicuous than it already is. By 13 yet another obstacle grew, literary. I had some soft growths on my upper gums. I did not know they were teeth, molars actually. So, due to their late growth, the other teeth in my mouth grew thus leaving no space for these two ‘late comers’. A further nose dive to my self esteem and confidence as this meant I would not smile; I would not talk in class and have any form of interaction.

I grew up with the inferiority complex always avoiding jokes, people and burying my head in books. However, when I joined form one, my life transformed for good. For one, I meet teachers who looked beyond looks and appreciated me for me, my talents and capabilities. The once reserved and antisocial Eunice broke out of the cocoon and although it was hard in the beginning, I managed.

To begin with I tried my hand in school leadership first becoming an activity prefect and later on a deputy head girl. I later joined the Law debate club, Rotaract and even the Science club. I would make presentations in the district level both in science based projects as well as in art exhibition. I couldn’t believe the person I was becoming. The more people, as well as myself, believed in my ‘looks’ (I even participated in fashion shows in school) and my shy smile the more it boost my confidence, niliG-iamini! This does not mean that nimefika with it’s a continuous process through socializing with different people, developing my talents and being optimistic.

Low self esteem in adolescents has been associated with a number of risk and protective factors. This is because, self esteem is an overall reflection of an individual’s self worth, encompasses beliefs about oneself as well as an emotional response to those beliefs. According to a research by the department of psychological and Brain sciences, Dartmouth Medical School, low self esteem has been associated with a number of psychological, physical and social consequences that influences development and transition into adulthood. This growth may be punctuated with depression, anxiety, suicide, early sexual debut as well a substance use and abuse. Thus, this consequently puts young people and especially those with esteem issues at high risks of being manipulated and vulnerable to risky behaviours.

It is not an easy process to look within one self and believing that you are beautiful/ handsome despite ones shortcomings. Hanging out with positive minded individuals goes a long way in boosting ones morale. Furthermore, it is wise to look beyond what you do not have to what makes you unique. Because I later found out that low self esteem is a form of pride as nothing else matters but you, your problems. Most young people get ‘married’ to low self esteem coupled with sadness and pity such that a compliment or when the encounter happiness, they feel like they are ‘cheating’.

So I bought a Nivea lip gloss that I can’t wait to use. You see am preparing for a speech presentation in my public speaking class at the University next week. So I have to look and feel good. NinaG-iamini, Je wewe?

Her Story

I attended a training with G-PANGE and the experience there was amazing, I will be sharing what went down there through articles that have been published in Pulse Magazine.

Her Story

As I sat on the line of waiting student, I hoped not to crease my school uniform with the bench. My anxiety further heightens as I wait my turn with the counselor. The VCT sign stares at me, as if to tell me something. I am finally called in. It is clear, no shades of grey. I am positive. HIV POSITIVE. At 15.

I left the VCT center with more questions than answers. How did I contract it? Was I born with it? Or was it that first time with the lawyer? I was confused, in denial and bitter. People would talk if they found out my status. I swore to keep it as my secret. The bitterness however drove me to an infection “spree”. I swore to have unprotected sex with anyone who asked me. I dint care. If I was to die, I would not be alone. Ultimately, I contracted a Sexually transmitted disease and later on dropped out of school.

Nine years later, in a turquoise blue dress, a young lady stands up from her chair and heads to the front of the room. The crowd of youths at Maanzoni Lodge was expecting a much older facilitator for this session. Her aura of confidence however dispels their doubts the moment she smiles and says:

“My name is Adhiambo*, I am 23 years old. Many have looked at me and wondered what I am doing here. Well, I have come to share with you about Prevention with Positives (PwP). I am HIV positive and a proud mother of one.”

The crowd went silent. From the look of the listeners, awe and surprise was evident. Day four of the training would certainly be historic.